A move of house within the same suburb has highlighted what a cluster fuck Australia’s broadband internet service is.
I live in a rapidly growing area but no one has told Tesltra this, which means our phone and piss poor ADSL service comes from an exchange which has barely been expanded since the days of Bakelite phones and switchboard operators named Mavis.
I called Optus, who I have had an internet account with for several years. who told me they won’t move my ADSL account to my new address unless I have my phone account with Optus. I politely told them go forth and masturbate with a liberal amount of Jif in their hands.
I then signed up with a smaller company on a friend’s recommendation – they are excellent. Brilliant customer service which does not require plenty of pushing of buttons or an electronic voice telling you to say why you’re calling – why the fuck does Optus have a special phone number for internet services only to put the caller through a range of options including all their phone services. WHY?
Sadly my potential new ISP told that there are no spare ADSL lines for me to connect to, because (and this wasn’t their words but hey I could read between the lines) Telstra are slack cunts. And we’re not even talking about ADSL2 here, just your bog standard broadband run by a clapped out hamster running like fuck on a wheel.
I bet people in Burma have less trouble getting Broadband than we do. And I bet they get faster speeds. And I bet in Zimbabwe you don’t have to pay at least $65 per month for a Broadband plan that allows you to do more than look at websites without going over the piss poor download limit.
Optus said they could offer me wireless broadband, which requires a $300 set up fee, a $5 monthly rental on the wireless modem and 89 fucking bucks for a decent download limit. Yeah, right! If I want to get fucked up the arse I’ll go to the toilets at Footscray Park thank you very much.
This is a national disgrace – imagine I needed the internet for a small business. John Howard and Helen Coonan should be charged with treason for allowing our country to become the broadband laughing stock of the world.
OK, so the Poms are shit at sport, but in the UK you can get speeds of 28mbps and unlimited downloads for pretty much fuck all.
I hate Australia.
First published at Club Wah, July 9, 2008. Since then the Poms got better at sport, but my broadband is still shit.
Ducking Cynthia 